Never in my life...

I did wrong,
Made a wrong move,
Being hot-headed,
Being stubborn,
and always, hanging on my pasts,
why can't i let go of my pasts?
why am i living in phobia?
i really wanna wake up,
and I will be,
though we've come to the end of the road,
I'd cherish every single thing you did for me,
things that makes me remind of you every now and then,
things that we've done together, watching movies, cooking together,
going to college together, hearing problems of each other,
trying new things together, playing games together,
taking pictures together, celebrating valentines together, going holidays together,
window shopping together, being close together...
all this while i thought i would understand you,
but it takes me lots of pressure to learn it the hard way,
yet not one pressure ever stop me from loving you,
ever since we've broke up, never once i stop loving you,
that's true, everything isn't the same anymore.

I still remember the days when we're together,
we cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, while watching movie together,
i remember your faces, when you're sad, when you're really happy,
when you laugh out loudly, when you're angry, when you look innocent,
when you don't wish to talk to me, when you're satisfied, when you're sleepy,
when you are asleep, when you just woke up, when you're sick, when you make me happy, when you are happy, when you smiled, when you're pretending to be okay,
when you took care of me, when you're worried. every single tears of yours
has always been my biggest fear, times when we argued, we don't talk,
we don't look at each other, we are angry, we're pissed, those are the times,
i don't wish to remember, cause all i know, i was with you, and i wanted to make you
happy in every ways.. my ways wasn't right, the most important thing i didn't do,
was just to understand you a lil more, i should have taken every argument more into
consideration, instead of just forgetting it, and do it my own way..

Never in my life, i've ever loved someone so deeply, that it hurts even i don't think bout it,
it hurts when i'm driving alone, it hurts even the thought of it, it hurts while i'm with my family,
and sometimes, i cried as loud as i could, when there's no one around, i hide my tears while i'm around people, i cried quietly, when i'm with my parents, and i cried silently during the nights.
Never in my life, I felt so much love from someone, who can really change my life, who gave me happiness like no others could give, who always listen to my problems, to support me all the time, who makes me smile when i'm down, who took care when i'm sick, who stand by me when the whole world turns around, who gets me back on my feet, who's there just the sake of being there for me...

I still do, and will always do love you....

Waiting.... and still waiting..

Knowing something which can't be true anymore,
yet, i had this feeling that would never change,
a feeling i should've let go the day you'd voice out,
but somehow, no matter what i try,
the feeling has never once changed since the day i've lost you,
every minute and every second i had you in my mine,
try shaking my head and just concentrate,
but it ain't easy like what people says..

Been hearing a meaningful song... somehow expresses how am i right now...

Day 44 =')

Yesterday supposed to be a very special day.. Kept myself busy with work, running around, drawings, wanted to go out last night, but ended up just playing games till wee in the morning again..
Been sleeping around 4 in the morning.. keeping myself busy, and making me tired with PC games... been kinda addicted to PC games lately, only thing to kept me from thinking... but the only matter is, after that things returns the same.. but what can I do?... I still love her regardless everything that ever happened... There's been a lot of new meaning full songs, I really like to hear... brings a lot of memories, and yet, things which i swear I'm happy for....

Nothing can ever replace the happiness I once had when i was with her...
This is said right thru from my heart...
and it can never be changed....=')

Day 41 =')

Tonight was one of the nights, for no reason, for just being at that state... for being lost, and confused... I've lost it once again.. Felt like crying deep inside, my heart is crying as far as i know,
but tears just won't flow down my cheeks this time. But the feeling it's killing me, ain't easy to control, and it ain't easy to live with it.

I wanted all there is, I dreamt of dreams I seriously hope it'll come true, pray to every God I ever believed.. and at times, I really wanted to let go, I pushed myself just to let go, I even wonder what that's making me holding back? I can't find a single answer for that question, but to know that's my only one true happiness that happens in my life, the one i would know that I cherished what I really wanted.

Day 22 =')

it's been 3 weeks... Recently she confessed to me bout her actions.. and the breakup... I knew it was coming, but yet somehow, i still forgive her... it may sounds a lil dumb, but yeah, I still forgive her, and I'm waiting for her with open arms, no doubt there's some problems later on.. but as days passes by, I find myself much more calmer than usual... Adapting to it, is kinda wobbly... but it's much more better than it used to be.. and in the end, I still love her..

Been going out with her these days, I can see her face is pretty much happy.. but for me, I still gotta pretend smiling all the while, tried to talk to her bout this matter.. and it only make it worst, cause she have thoughts of avoiding me already, which i don't want it at all...So, the best solution is to just keep quiet and smile.. every time when i'm with her.. i felt happy, but there's a boundary that makes my heart goes crazy bout it. Calming myself in every method I could have think off... Not negative ways, but in positivitely, outings with friends, playing basketball, playing games, blasting musics... In the end, I'll just end up being the same.. remeniscing through some old photos, looking at gifts, we had for each other, bits of memories all around the house..

Had some problems with family recently, they always sees the best in me, I should be happy bout it, but I don't. To be honest, I struggled so much just to pleased my parents, so they could be happy.. I'm happy when they are, but sometimes, they just don't understands me.. Though I really wanna talk to them about my problems, on the other hand, I don't want them to think that I'm being rebelious towards them.. I've been keeping this problem for a very long time, till sometimes what I wanted, it's being overpowered by them.. Mitch if you're reading this, message me when you're free aight?...

Some how, recently weeks seems to be longer than before... a minute feels like an hour, and an hour feels like a day... Hope my days would just gets better..

Day 11..=')

Today's the day I finally feel calm, knowing what I should do, and what I shouldn't do..
Though it's still feels uneasy, to let go... Yet I told her, that I'll wait for her, foolish as it may sound, yeah.... for the first time in my life, I'm willing to wait for that particular someone.. Which I'm really gonna do.. The ending may not seems so bright for me, but if there's a small possible chances of getting back together, I'll still fight for it..giving it all I can..

Days like this really feels like shit, last night I told her everything, and every single detail I can tell her bout us together... It's not really relieving for me, but still, like i said, every single possibility there's a opportunity... So, i'm gonna fight for it..

Had an so-called text conversation with dad last night, he was pretty angry with me going out these days till late night.. he text me, asking me whether do I have a problem with him? why am I against him all the time?.. I text him back, I don't have a problem with you dad, and honestly, i'm suffering from insomnia, I coming back late is because i wanna calm myself down. he didn't reply me after that. and i felt bad for letting him know i'm having insomnia. all he wanted was me to get some early rest and be energetic in the morning for work.. But what can I do, I only get to sleep like 4,5 in the morning.. and wake up at 8 or 9, to get to work.. and I'm doing pretty fine..
Only thing is that I'm kind of a forgetful person once in a while. other than that i got no problems in doing my job...

Anyways, hopefully things would turn out brighter as it seems for me, thought all i can see is just a 0.3 linetype size light glaring through my dark, self, misery life. It's still a hope..

Day 8..=')

Last night me and Alene officially broke up.. It was the longest goodbye I ever made, I had some talks with her, some flashbacks memories with her, just brings us to tears, some smile and laughter.. I had the worst day and night in my entire life, I cried all the way home after dropping her home, I told her everything and how my heart felt for her.. Just to have that little hope I saw in her face, but nothing can change her mind.

I cried the entire night, till 6 in the morning, like a baby lost his toy, a child who had fallen down badly, a teenager that stresses in life, an adult, who lost a loved one. Had a few talks with my brother and his friend, Serene, gave me plenty of advises, and I appreciate it very much. Kept on thinking things i shouldn't think about.. All I'm asking is back to what we are before.. just a simple request.

I woke up at 9 this morning, just wondering could I stop thinking so much and just go on with life? Went downstairs, and no one was home, they went for breakfast. I called up my friends, asking them to play bball late in the evening, cause I wanted to perspire and just be free. Had breakfast with Nick, later on went for gaming session with the guys. Kinda makes me past lots of time there. Later on, play bball with them.. came back home, and have dinner with my parents.
For the 1st time, I'm hurt, so badly, I wanted to stand up, trying so hard not to cry to every sad song I heard on radio, trying to calm myself in every way. and now, I'm still trying to calm down..

I hope that she knows how much she mend to me, tho it's really killing me to know that we're not together anymore.. I erased every memories, pictures and msges i had with her.. Still there some floating around in my room, and every nook and cranny, there's a piece of her memory laying there.

I still love her.. I know I'm a fool...but what is love?..