Waiting.... and still waiting..

Knowing something which can't be true anymore,
yet, i had this feeling that would never change,
a feeling i should've let go the day you'd voice out,
but somehow, no matter what i try,
the feeling has never once changed since the day i've lost you,
every minute and every second i had you in my mine,
try shaking my head and just concentrate,
but it ain't easy like what people says..

Been hearing a meaningful song... somehow expresses how am i right now...

Day 44 =')

Yesterday supposed to be a very special day.. Kept myself busy with work, running around, drawings, wanted to go out last night, but ended up just playing games till wee in the morning again..
Been sleeping around 4 in the morning.. keeping myself busy, and making me tired with PC games... been kinda addicted to PC games lately, only thing to kept me from thinking... but the only matter is, after that things returns the same.. but what can I do?... I still love her regardless everything that ever happened... There's been a lot of new meaning full songs, I really like to hear... brings a lot of memories, and yet, things which i swear I'm happy for....

Nothing can ever replace the happiness I once had when i was with her...
This is said right thru from my heart...
and it can never be changed....=')

Day 41 =')

Tonight was one of the nights, for no reason, for just being at that state... for being lost, and confused... I've lost it once again.. Felt like crying deep inside, my heart is crying as far as i know,
but tears just won't flow down my cheeks this time. But the feeling it's killing me, ain't easy to control, and it ain't easy to live with it.

I wanted all there is, I dreamt of dreams I seriously hope it'll come true, pray to every God I ever believed.. and at times, I really wanted to let go, I pushed myself just to let go, I even wonder what that's making me holding back? I can't find a single answer for that question, but to know that's my only one true happiness that happens in my life, the one i would know that I cherished what I really wanted.

Day 22 =')

it's been 3 weeks... Recently she confessed to me bout her actions.. and the breakup... I knew it was coming, but yet somehow, i still forgive her... it may sounds a lil dumb, but yeah, I still forgive her, and I'm waiting for her with open arms, no doubt there's some problems later on.. but as days passes by, I find myself much more calmer than usual... Adapting to it, is kinda wobbly... but it's much more better than it used to be.. and in the end, I still love her..

Been going out with her these days, I can see her face is pretty much happy.. but for me, I still gotta pretend smiling all the while, tried to talk to her bout this matter.. and it only make it worst, cause she have thoughts of avoiding me already, which i don't want it at all...So, the best solution is to just keep quiet and smile.. every time when i'm with her.. i felt happy, but there's a boundary that makes my heart goes crazy bout it. Calming myself in every method I could have think off... Not negative ways, but in positivitely, outings with friends, playing basketball, playing games, blasting musics... In the end, I'll just end up being the same.. remeniscing through some old photos, looking at gifts, we had for each other, bits of memories all around the house..

Had some problems with family recently, they always sees the best in me, I should be happy bout it, but I don't. To be honest, I struggled so much just to pleased my parents, so they could be happy.. I'm happy when they are, but sometimes, they just don't understands me.. Though I really wanna talk to them about my problems, on the other hand, I don't want them to think that I'm being rebelious towards them.. I've been keeping this problem for a very long time, till sometimes what I wanted, it's being overpowered by them.. Mitch if you're reading this, message me when you're free aight?...

Some how, recently weeks seems to be longer than before... a minute feels like an hour, and an hour feels like a day... Hope my days would just gets better..

Day 11..=')

Today's the day I finally feel calm, knowing what I should do, and what I shouldn't do..
Though it's still feels uneasy, to let go... Yet I told her, that I'll wait for her, foolish as it may sound, yeah.... for the first time in my life, I'm willing to wait for that particular someone.. Which I'm really gonna do.. The ending may not seems so bright for me, but if there's a small possible chances of getting back together, I'll still fight for it..giving it all I can..

Days like this really feels like shit, last night I told her everything, and every single detail I can tell her bout us together... It's not really relieving for me, but still, like i said, every single possibility there's a opportunity... So, i'm gonna fight for it..

Had an so-called text conversation with dad last night, he was pretty angry with me going out these days till late night.. he text me, asking me whether do I have a problem with him? why am I against him all the time?.. I text him back, I don't have a problem with you dad, and honestly, i'm suffering from insomnia, I coming back late is because i wanna calm myself down. he didn't reply me after that. and i felt bad for letting him know i'm having insomnia. all he wanted was me to get some early rest and be energetic in the morning for work.. But what can I do, I only get to sleep like 4,5 in the morning.. and wake up at 8 or 9, to get to work.. and I'm doing pretty fine..
Only thing is that I'm kind of a forgetful person once in a while. other than that i got no problems in doing my job...

Anyways, hopefully things would turn out brighter as it seems for me, thought all i can see is just a 0.3 linetype size light glaring through my dark, self, misery life. It's still a hope..

Day 8..=')

Last night me and Alene officially broke up.. It was the longest goodbye I ever made, I had some talks with her, some flashbacks memories with her, just brings us to tears, some smile and laughter.. I had the worst day and night in my entire life, I cried all the way home after dropping her home, I told her everything and how my heart felt for her.. Just to have that little hope I saw in her face, but nothing can change her mind.

I cried the entire night, till 6 in the morning, like a baby lost his toy, a child who had fallen down badly, a teenager that stresses in life, an adult, who lost a loved one. Had a few talks with my brother and his friend, Serene, gave me plenty of advises, and I appreciate it very much. Kept on thinking things i shouldn't think about.. All I'm asking is back to what we are before.. just a simple request.

I woke up at 9 this morning, just wondering could I stop thinking so much and just go on with life? Went downstairs, and no one was home, they went for breakfast. I called up my friends, asking them to play bball late in the evening, cause I wanted to perspire and just be free. Had breakfast with Nick, later on went for gaming session with the guys. Kinda makes me past lots of time there. Later on, play bball with them.. came back home, and have dinner with my parents.
For the 1st time, I'm hurt, so badly, I wanted to stand up, trying so hard not to cry to every sad song I heard on radio, trying to calm myself in every way. and now, I'm still trying to calm down..

I hope that she knows how much she mend to me, tho it's really killing me to know that we're not together anymore.. I erased every memories, pictures and msges i had with her.. Still there some floating around in my room, and every nook and cranny, there's a piece of her memory laying there.

I still love her.. I know I'm a fool...but what is love?..

Day 4

Slept at 4 in the morning today, then awaken at 8, had a bad nightmare.. Anyways when I'm awake I find it hard to fall back asleep.. So I woke up and get ready for work.. Seems like I was calm today morning, but still have some thoughts in my head, which I could just shook it off my mind. Went to work without my sister, cause she's leaving to Bangkok today, hope she's alright when she comes back.. Wondering what is she thinking? When over there, is crazy as hell, and to top it, H1N1 flu is increasing day by day...Anyways, prays that she comes back peacefully..

Today, felt a little better than the past few days.. Wasn't trembling seriously.. still a little bit shaky.. But overall, I'm alright.... i guess.. Didn't know what i was thinking the whole day, just like some robotic mind being programmed on doing chores and errands. I got phone calls and just do as it says..I had lots of advices from people, all of it are pretty much helpful, but it isn't their problems that i'm not accepting it, but it's myself who can't accept it...

Anyways, I really hope things can go better from now on....
really hope so...