Day 1..

It's 3 days past my 21st birthday.. and it's been days since i'm happy..
I had a talk with my girlfriend, Alene, we've been together for 8 months now, we've been thru, a lot together, sadness and happiness, break-ups and make-ups, downturn, and all..
Recently, we've been thru some of the happiest moments.. making things work, having less arguments, spending time with each other more.. All this while I thought everything was fine, until that one day, she told me something... Something which sunken my heart deep below my feets.. It was on my birthday... I was excited and all, knowing that my mom sets up a party for me, and to top it all, my 1st ever party, with my girlfriend beside me..
but then what she told me really brings me down to my knees.. and worst thing is, that my friends and family are waiting for me.. It's one of those times I felt really hard, pretending to be happy when deep inside I really wanted to breakdown. Everything I seem to do makes me think of what we had together, brings me up in tears all the while, and the entire night, I'm just finding places so I could just cover up my tears, and be happy.. I ended up tearing myself to sleep, just looking at my girlfriend lying next to me.. yet there's a huge boundary which I cannot take the leap..
I didn't slept well that night, but the next day, everything seems so fine during the morning..
We wanted to go for movies, but just end up eating lunch and shopping for some things. Later that evening, few of my classmates, including me and Alene, went down to the airport, to say goodbye to our dearest friend, Kae Huey.. He's leaving to further his studies abroad, in Australia..
and the thing is, I'm kinda happy for him, but on the other end, just missed him a lot..
I had a talk with my brother on Saturday night, a day after my birthday, and he gave me lots of advices, one of it is to write this blog... So that i can express my feelings out, I was devasted that night, I brokedown, I cried, I cried so loud, hopefully my mom could hear it, or just someone, so that I could get a hug from them. People says that a hug brighten's up someone's life. And I find it very true. I kept on telling myself to stop crying, and just accept what she told me. She still loves me, but why is it so hard for me to accept it? We've been going thru together just the way it is, and one day everything changes. I goes on crying that night, don't know when I can stop. So I just head for the covers, and try to sleep it off with tears running down my cheeks.

Sunday morning I got up early, with tears in my eyes, and I'm sobbing when I'm awake. Head feels pretty darn heavy, but I still gotta attend my uncle's potluck lunch. My aunt from Singapore came down for holidays, and it's good to see my relatives smiling and having fun, some how, they'll ask me, "where's your girlfriend?" all i can do is smile and tell them she's busy..
Trying so hard not to burst into tears.. I watch what's on TV.. A children's program, cause there's kids watching. Tried so hard not to think.. Later that afternoon, I promised Alene that I'll change her bedroom position, I went down after lunch, but she wasn't there, she was out, fixing her laptop. So as I started to pack her stuffs, seems like there's more there is to it. Every single detail in that house, feels my eyes with tears. While she was away, I had thoughts running through my mind, if i finished it before she comes back I better just leave.. I know seeing her will only bring me to tears even more, but she came home before I finished, I tried not to tear, sniffing up dust, so to cover up my tearing. Telling her I'm alright it's just dusty in here. After cleaning, her dad ask me to go down to her grandmother's place, cause they having dinner there. I don't wanna follow at 1st, don't wanna breakdown in front of everyone. But she still insist on me going, and everytime when I'm with her in the car, it seems to hard to breathe, I don't wanna force her, but on the other hand I just wanna tell her how I felt.
Later that night, she had plans with her friends, so I told her that I'll send her down, at that moment, I really can't take it, and I brokedown, telling her how I felt and all, as I would expected that she'll be angry at me, for forcing her with my thoughts. After that breakdown, I cleared my mind, and just accept of what she wants. It's just another night where I gotta put on a mask and make everyone happy. After that sessions, we went back to her house.. and everything to me wasn't really fine. But I thought long and hard, and just gave in, told her that no matter what I still love you and that night, I felt that I've let her know most of what's on my mind, it didn't felt any better, no burdens released. It's just a hard moment for me to take off.. I have to be happy, I have to be alright in front of her, so that she won't be feeling bad about what her actions caused.
I brought her down to tears, that night and it hits me hard, that what I did, wasn't meant to make her cry, but just to understand what on my mind. It was really hard to leave the house, and to drive home with tears in my eyes and with my heart sunken down to my feets.
All I want her to know is that, I love her in every aspects, regardlessly, your negative sides nor your positive sides, cause I know I love her very much till it hurts me when I think of what I've done.

Today, i went to work as usual, writing this blog hopefully my heart will feel better, but it just doesn't helps it seems. I feel like breaking down, but in the other hand I need to work and just try to not think of it...

I really do truly, whole heartedly, love her..