Never in my life...

I did wrong,
Made a wrong move,
Being hot-headed,
Being stubborn,
and always, hanging on my pasts,
why can't i let go of my pasts?
why am i living in phobia?
i really wanna wake up,
and I will be,
though we've come to the end of the road,
I'd cherish every single thing you did for me,
things that makes me remind of you every now and then,
things that we've done together, watching movies, cooking together,
going to college together, hearing problems of each other,
trying new things together, playing games together,
taking pictures together, celebrating valentines together, going holidays together,
window shopping together, being close together...
all this while i thought i would understand you,
but it takes me lots of pressure to learn it the hard way,
yet not one pressure ever stop me from loving you,
ever since we've broke up, never once i stop loving you,
that's true, everything isn't the same anymore.

I still remember the days when we're together,
we cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, while watching movie together,
i remember your faces, when you're sad, when you're really happy,
when you laugh out loudly, when you're angry, when you look innocent,
when you don't wish to talk to me, when you're satisfied, when you're sleepy,
when you are asleep, when you just woke up, when you're sick, when you make me happy, when you are happy, when you smiled, when you're pretending to be okay,
when you took care of me, when you're worried. every single tears of yours
has always been my biggest fear, times when we argued, we don't talk,
we don't look at each other, we are angry, we're pissed, those are the times,
i don't wish to remember, cause all i know, i was with you, and i wanted to make you
happy in every ways.. my ways wasn't right, the most important thing i didn't do,
was just to understand you a lil more, i should have taken every argument more into
consideration, instead of just forgetting it, and do it my own way..

Never in my life, i've ever loved someone so deeply, that it hurts even i don't think bout it,
it hurts when i'm driving alone, it hurts even the thought of it, it hurts while i'm with my family,
and sometimes, i cried as loud as i could, when there's no one around, i hide my tears while i'm around people, i cried quietly, when i'm with my parents, and i cried silently during the nights.
Never in my life, I felt so much love from someone, who can really change my life, who gave me happiness like no others could give, who always listen to my problems, to support me all the time, who makes me smile when i'm down, who took care when i'm sick, who stand by me when the whole world turns around, who gets me back on my feet, who's there just the sake of being there for me...

I still do, and will always do love you....

Waiting.... and still waiting..

Knowing something which can't be true anymore,
yet, i had this feeling that would never change,
a feeling i should've let go the day you'd voice out,
but somehow, no matter what i try,
the feeling has never once changed since the day i've lost you,
every minute and every second i had you in my mine,
try shaking my head and just concentrate,
but it ain't easy like what people says..

Been hearing a meaningful song... somehow expresses how am i right now...

Day 44 =')

Yesterday supposed to be a very special day.. Kept myself busy with work, running around, drawings, wanted to go out last night, but ended up just playing games till wee in the morning again..
Been sleeping around 4 in the morning.. keeping myself busy, and making me tired with PC games... been kinda addicted to PC games lately, only thing to kept me from thinking... but the only matter is, after that things returns the same.. but what can I do?... I still love her regardless everything that ever happened... There's been a lot of new meaning full songs, I really like to hear... brings a lot of memories, and yet, things which i swear I'm happy for....

Nothing can ever replace the happiness I once had when i was with her...
This is said right thru from my heart...
and it can never be changed....=')

Day 41 =')

Tonight was one of the nights, for no reason, for just being at that state... for being lost, and confused... I've lost it once again.. Felt like crying deep inside, my heart is crying as far as i know,
but tears just won't flow down my cheeks this time. But the feeling it's killing me, ain't easy to control, and it ain't easy to live with it.

I wanted all there is, I dreamt of dreams I seriously hope it'll come true, pray to every God I ever believed.. and at times, I really wanted to let go, I pushed myself just to let go, I even wonder what that's making me holding back? I can't find a single answer for that question, but to know that's my only one true happiness that happens in my life, the one i would know that I cherished what I really wanted.

Day 22 =')

it's been 3 weeks... Recently she confessed to me bout her actions.. and the breakup... I knew it was coming, but yet somehow, i still forgive her... it may sounds a lil dumb, but yeah, I still forgive her, and I'm waiting for her with open arms, no doubt there's some problems later on.. but as days passes by, I find myself much more calmer than usual... Adapting to it, is kinda wobbly... but it's much more better than it used to be.. and in the end, I still love her..

Been going out with her these days, I can see her face is pretty much happy.. but for me, I still gotta pretend smiling all the while, tried to talk to her bout this matter.. and it only make it worst, cause she have thoughts of avoiding me already, which i don't want it at all...So, the best solution is to just keep quiet and smile.. every time when i'm with her.. i felt happy, but there's a boundary that makes my heart goes crazy bout it. Calming myself in every method I could have think off... Not negative ways, but in positivitely, outings with friends, playing basketball, playing games, blasting musics... In the end, I'll just end up being the same.. remeniscing through some old photos, looking at gifts, we had for each other, bits of memories all around the house..

Had some problems with family recently, they always sees the best in me, I should be happy bout it, but I don't. To be honest, I struggled so much just to pleased my parents, so they could be happy.. I'm happy when they are, but sometimes, they just don't understands me.. Though I really wanna talk to them about my problems, on the other hand, I don't want them to think that I'm being rebelious towards them.. I've been keeping this problem for a very long time, till sometimes what I wanted, it's being overpowered by them.. Mitch if you're reading this, message me when you're free aight?...

Some how, recently weeks seems to be longer than before... a minute feels like an hour, and an hour feels like a day... Hope my days would just gets better..

Day 11..=')

Today's the day I finally feel calm, knowing what I should do, and what I shouldn't do..
Though it's still feels uneasy, to let go... Yet I told her, that I'll wait for her, foolish as it may sound, yeah.... for the first time in my life, I'm willing to wait for that particular someone.. Which I'm really gonna do.. The ending may not seems so bright for me, but if there's a small possible chances of getting back together, I'll still fight for it..giving it all I can..

Days like this really feels like shit, last night I told her everything, and every single detail I can tell her bout us together... It's not really relieving for me, but still, like i said, every single possibility there's a opportunity... So, i'm gonna fight for it..

Had an so-called text conversation with dad last night, he was pretty angry with me going out these days till late night.. he text me, asking me whether do I have a problem with him? why am I against him all the time?.. I text him back, I don't have a problem with you dad, and honestly, i'm suffering from insomnia, I coming back late is because i wanna calm myself down. he didn't reply me after that. and i felt bad for letting him know i'm having insomnia. all he wanted was me to get some early rest and be energetic in the morning for work.. But what can I do, I only get to sleep like 4,5 in the morning.. and wake up at 8 or 9, to get to work.. and I'm doing pretty fine..
Only thing is that I'm kind of a forgetful person once in a while. other than that i got no problems in doing my job...

Anyways, hopefully things would turn out brighter as it seems for me, thought all i can see is just a 0.3 linetype size light glaring through my dark, self, misery life. It's still a hope..

Day 8..=')

Last night me and Alene officially broke up.. It was the longest goodbye I ever made, I had some talks with her, some flashbacks memories with her, just brings us to tears, some smile and laughter.. I had the worst day and night in my entire life, I cried all the way home after dropping her home, I told her everything and how my heart felt for her.. Just to have that little hope I saw in her face, but nothing can change her mind.

I cried the entire night, till 6 in the morning, like a baby lost his toy, a child who had fallen down badly, a teenager that stresses in life, an adult, who lost a loved one. Had a few talks with my brother and his friend, Serene, gave me plenty of advises, and I appreciate it very much. Kept on thinking things i shouldn't think about.. All I'm asking is back to what we are before.. just a simple request.

I woke up at 9 this morning, just wondering could I stop thinking so much and just go on with life? Went downstairs, and no one was home, they went for breakfast. I called up my friends, asking them to play bball late in the evening, cause I wanted to perspire and just be free. Had breakfast with Nick, later on went for gaming session with the guys. Kinda makes me past lots of time there. Later on, play bball with them.. came back home, and have dinner with my parents.
For the 1st time, I'm hurt, so badly, I wanted to stand up, trying so hard not to cry to every sad song I heard on radio, trying to calm myself in every way. and now, I'm still trying to calm down..

I hope that she knows how much she mend to me, tho it's really killing me to know that we're not together anymore.. I erased every memories, pictures and msges i had with her.. Still there some floating around in my room, and every nook and cranny, there's a piece of her memory laying there.

I still love her.. I know I'm a fool...but what is love?..

Day 4

Slept at 4 in the morning today, then awaken at 8, had a bad nightmare.. Anyways when I'm awake I find it hard to fall back asleep.. So I woke up and get ready for work.. Seems like I was calm today morning, but still have some thoughts in my head, which I could just shook it off my mind. Went to work without my sister, cause she's leaving to Bangkok today, hope she's alright when she comes back.. Wondering what is she thinking? When over there, is crazy as hell, and to top it, H1N1 flu is increasing day by day...Anyways, prays that she comes back peacefully..

Today, felt a little better than the past few days.. Wasn't trembling seriously.. still a little bit shaky.. But overall, I'm alright.... i guess.. Didn't know what i was thinking the whole day, just like some robotic mind being programmed on doing chores and errands. I got phone calls and just do as it says..I had lots of advices from people, all of it are pretty much helpful, but it isn't their problems that i'm not accepting it, but it's myself who can't accept it...

Anyways, I really hope things can go better from now on....
really hope so...

3rd day..=")

2nd day of accepting what she wants, yesterday was one of those days i get to calm myself. I didn't on msn, and I only turn on my facebook for the moment only.. I sat at my balcony, for like an hour or 2... just trying to calm myself, and asking whether how could this happen?.. and why am I being like this?.. why am I trembling, why am I shaking.. Later on, she called me.. and she wanted to talk, and all things happen back again.. the trembling and the shaking, told me that she wanted freedom that's all, and she'll continue this relationship, but is there gonna be trust? it might be difficult for anyone to have trust, but I may be a fool, no matter how much I told myself it's not worth it, I just can't stop loving her. I asked her one question, where she went on monday night, and I promised not to ask where she is anymore.
and she told me that she went out with a guy.. I was pretty down, really feel like breaking down big time. But what can I do but to just accept what she wants..

I talked to my brother last night, and he told me his experience in life. I kinda accept it, cause I know what I'm doing now is foolish. but i'll try to accept it soon.. not now, cause it's hard for me to just do sudden changes. Maybe later on...

I had lots of advices from many people, saying its easy.. but doing it is another thing, everyone knows that, and i thank everyone advising me all this time, I just need time to change.
I hope that this relationship works, I'm trying something new, I haven't tried it before.. and it's kinda hard for me to change.. I don't even know what I'm saying right now..

I just wanna get thru time..

Day 2 =')

Today, was the 1st day, of accepting what she wanted.. on what she told me, woke up a lil late for work.. but still can make it.. on my way to work, i just can't help it.. tears keeps filling up my eyes, but yet try to keep my mind busy with stuffs i gotta do at work.
I tried not to ask her what she didn't want me to ask.. we chat on msn, she sent me songs, a song that brings me to tears. until she went out, i start to kept myself busy, tho i don't have much things to do in office, all i can do is just to online, and play games on facebook keeping my mind out from thinking... but as time passes, it was lunch time already, some how, some what, i was hoping that she would just pop out and give me a suprise. But on the other hand, I somewhat knew it wouldn't happen. I felt bad for dissing Pang, he asked me to go for lunch with him, but seriously I don't feel hungry at all, and the other thing is that I'm scared that I'll just breakdown in front of him. I waited, till I received a phone call from one of the suppliers, saying that the stuffs are done and ready to be collected.
Thought i would be happy if I could leave office and just go out to have some fresh air, but it turns out different for me. Driving alone means there's no one would really noticed me, and there's no one there for me to hide from. I try so hard not to spill my expressions out, kept talking to myself, reminding myself to stop thinking, and just let it go. Things didn't went my way. I've been suffering from General Anxiety Disorder all this while, but back then wasn't at a very serious stage. Until today, it strucks me, my hands stiffens up, and I started twitching.. my breathing became heavier, my heart grews heavy. Trying to keep myself calm and relax, I decided to buy a computer mouse, since mine is flying to heaven. After buying, I can't help it but to just give her a call and just hear her voice but she just told me she was busy, and she'll call me back.
Reached back office, with GAD still hyped up around me, I try to calm myself down with other methods, blasting music with my headphones, and playing games on facebook, it did help at first. but later on it's slowly creeps back up again. She called me up, and we somehow talk, but I just couldn't help it, but to just burst again. I told her everything that I felt today, but she says I'm forcing her. I can't help it, told her that I'll give her time, I won't be calling her anymore, nor I would text her for the time being. Put down the phone and went for bball session, hoping that I won't think so much. She calls me up, during that time, asking me to tell her what I said earlier on, cause I wasn't speaking clearly.
I told her what I felt and what I want, was just a simple thing, that we could just go back to few days back, where we're both happy with each other, laughing, sharing, eating, sleeping, cuddling... everything that we had before this. I could still remember everything, a week back..
and i wish to go back to that time...
I love her...

Day 1..

It's 3 days past my 21st birthday.. and it's been days since i'm happy..
I had a talk with my girlfriend, Alene, we've been together for 8 months now, we've been thru, a lot together, sadness and happiness, break-ups and make-ups, downturn, and all..
Recently, we've been thru some of the happiest moments.. making things work, having less arguments, spending time with each other more.. All this while I thought everything was fine, until that one day, she told me something... Something which sunken my heart deep below my feets.. It was on my birthday... I was excited and all, knowing that my mom sets up a party for me, and to top it all, my 1st ever party, with my girlfriend beside me..
but then what she told me really brings me down to my knees.. and worst thing is, that my friends and family are waiting for me.. It's one of those times I felt really hard, pretending to be happy when deep inside I really wanted to breakdown. Everything I seem to do makes me think of what we had together, brings me up in tears all the while, and the entire night, I'm just finding places so I could just cover up my tears, and be happy.. I ended up tearing myself to sleep, just looking at my girlfriend lying next to me.. yet there's a huge boundary which I cannot take the leap..
I didn't slept well that night, but the next day, everything seems so fine during the morning..
We wanted to go for movies, but just end up eating lunch and shopping for some things. Later that evening, few of my classmates, including me and Alene, went down to the airport, to say goodbye to our dearest friend, Kae Huey.. He's leaving to further his studies abroad, in Australia..
and the thing is, I'm kinda happy for him, but on the other end, just missed him a lot..
I had a talk with my brother on Saturday night, a day after my birthday, and he gave me lots of advices, one of it is to write this blog... So that i can express my feelings out, I was devasted that night, I brokedown, I cried, I cried so loud, hopefully my mom could hear it, or just someone, so that I could get a hug from them. People says that a hug brighten's up someone's life. And I find it very true. I kept on telling myself to stop crying, and just accept what she told me. She still loves me, but why is it so hard for me to accept it? We've been going thru together just the way it is, and one day everything changes. I goes on crying that night, don't know when I can stop. So I just head for the covers, and try to sleep it off with tears running down my cheeks.

Sunday morning I got up early, with tears in my eyes, and I'm sobbing when I'm awake. Head feels pretty darn heavy, but I still gotta attend my uncle's potluck lunch. My aunt from Singapore came down for holidays, and it's good to see my relatives smiling and having fun, some how, they'll ask me, "where's your girlfriend?" all i can do is smile and tell them she's busy..
Trying so hard not to burst into tears.. I watch what's on TV.. A children's program, cause there's kids watching. Tried so hard not to think.. Later that afternoon, I promised Alene that I'll change her bedroom position, I went down after lunch, but she wasn't there, she was out, fixing her laptop. So as I started to pack her stuffs, seems like there's more there is to it. Every single detail in that house, feels my eyes with tears. While she was away, I had thoughts running through my mind, if i finished it before she comes back I better just leave.. I know seeing her will only bring me to tears even more, but she came home before I finished, I tried not to tear, sniffing up dust, so to cover up my tearing. Telling her I'm alright it's just dusty in here. After cleaning, her dad ask me to go down to her grandmother's place, cause they having dinner there. I don't wanna follow at 1st, don't wanna breakdown in front of everyone. But she still insist on me going, and everytime when I'm with her in the car, it seems to hard to breathe, I don't wanna force her, but on the other hand I just wanna tell her how I felt.
Later that night, she had plans with her friends, so I told her that I'll send her down, at that moment, I really can't take it, and I brokedown, telling her how I felt and all, as I would expected that she'll be angry at me, for forcing her with my thoughts. After that breakdown, I cleared my mind, and just accept of what she wants. It's just another night where I gotta put on a mask and make everyone happy. After that sessions, we went back to her house.. and everything to me wasn't really fine. But I thought long and hard, and just gave in, told her that no matter what I still love you and that night, I felt that I've let her know most of what's on my mind, it didn't felt any better, no burdens released. It's just a hard moment for me to take off.. I have to be happy, I have to be alright in front of her, so that she won't be feeling bad about what her actions caused.
I brought her down to tears, that night and it hits me hard, that what I did, wasn't meant to make her cry, but just to understand what on my mind. It was really hard to leave the house, and to drive home with tears in my eyes and with my heart sunken down to my feets.
All I want her to know is that, I love her in every aspects, regardlessly, your negative sides nor your positive sides, cause I know I love her very much till it hurts me when I think of what I've done.

Today, i went to work as usual, writing this blog hopefully my heart will feel better, but it just doesn't helps it seems. I feel like breaking down, but in the other hand I need to work and just try to not think of it...

I really do truly, whole heartedly, love her..